The Declaration of Self Sufficiency....for the Single Woman

Author's Note: Before I begin, let me start off by stating this. While I am single and fine with that, there is someone I do care for, but circumstances and situations have brought things to a halt, and I am also okay with that. So to whom it may concern, if you read this, know that I still care and I'm still here if you need me. I do understand that you have to take care of you first and I just want you to be okay for yourself and your kids first. So anything that could be construed as man-hating and derogatory does not apply to you. When you find yourself in a better place..you know where to find me :)

So, I've been wanting to write this blog for a while. I could just never articulate it the way I wanted to. But after reading a thread on a message board entitled "Why Black Men are Choosing White Women: The Movie" and reading some of the comments, especially about Black Women, everything just kinda fell into place.

First off, let me state MY facts: I'm 24, single, a broke ass college student, childless, moderately attractive..I'm no supermodel but I don't think anyone would be ashamed to be seen with me in public, average sized but I could stand to lose a few lbs. and tone up..but couldn't we all? I think I'm a pretty cool chick with a bitch streak that I don't hide from anyone. I'm the first to admit I can be moody. I'm goofy with a child's heart. I'm honest about my quirks and my flaws, for I have nothing to hide from anyone about what makes me tick. After conversations with a few men, a constant question is always thrown in: WHY HASN'T SOMEONE SCOOPED YOU UP YET? That was a question I used to asked myself a lot. I really thought something was wrong with me.

But now, I bask in my singledom.

Albeit, it took heartbreak, some solitude, financial distress, school, some soul searching, a change of attitude and outlook on life, and 2 jobs to get there..but dammit I'm THERE. Everything isn't roses in my life right now, butI never imagined such joy. I can see and do () who I want when I want. I can INTENTIONALLY not answer texts, phone calls, nor return them and NOT BAT A SINGLE EYELASH. I can come home, lock myself in my room, not call a soul (not that they would care, but I damn sure don't) and just BE. Before, I was the chick that always had to have someone to be somewhat content. At the risk of sounding cliche', it took me realizing I wasn't happy with ME. But in my time of solitude, I've discovered a lot about me..and along with a whole attitude shift, I believe that was due to having time to focus on me because I wasn't fucked up in the head over some man.

Men have looked at me like they've seen a unicorn when I tell them I don't have kids. But when I tell some that I'm content in my bachelorettehood, it's like Jesus just came back and he was doing the Soulja Boy. Then, I get the "oh you must be bitter and hate men" response. That couldn't be any further from the truth. I LOVE men. I love sex. I love the energy they give off and warmth while sleeping next to them. From geeks to your local neighborhood, average joe, I love their swag, confidence, the different shades, hairstyles, rhythm and everything else inbetween..

It's a catch 22. Men are forever crying about a woman wanting to be up under them and not having an identity outside of their relationships, but when they meet one who isn't too wrapped up in men and leads her own life, I gotta be a man-hater?! WTF do you men want?! Oh shit, why am I asking...I don't give a crippled McCain fuck what y'all want...Why do some of you seem put off about a chick that's not looking to grovel at your feet or chasing a husband with a house and a picket fence, especially when most of you are NOT trying to get married now or maybe never? Are we not supposed to be happy without you?

I do understand men loved to feel needed and wanted as we all do, but I am going through an admitted selfish stage in my life and the need to do me and please myself first GREATLY outweighs the need to please anyone else of the opposite sex and your needs are not of any of my concern right now. But don't get it twisted; I am alone but far from lonely and not lacking male companionship in ANY way.

But the main reason is...I have too much going on right now in my life and I don't have the time, nor the energy to devote to anyone emotionally (and maybe I don't want to?) But between working 2 jobs and an occasional side hustle and school 5 days a week, I'm gone from 7 am to 10 pm and when I get home, my only thoughts are food and sleep, and my days off are resevered for relaxing how I see fit and doing any running around I need to do...My idea of chillin out is NOT someone trying to kiss all over me and giving me drunk ass foot rubs (yes this happened not too long ago)..People just need to get that in the grand scheme of things, they're not my first thought. Not to sound arrogant, but if people just knew how to REALLY chill out around me..MAYBE they'd get some of my off time..until then..I'll stick with staying at home and downloading music and pr0n :) But to those that do understand that because THEY HAVE OTHER THINGS TO DO AS WELL...Good Job!

While I am happy with my status in life, you will never hear me scream "I'M INDEPENDENT FUCK THESE NIGGAS UMMA DO ME!" while singing the lastest Fuck 'Em Girl anthem in the club at the top of my lungs. These are the ones who need other bitter bitches and chickenhead empowerment songs it make it through their lonely existence. I prefer the term 'self-sufficient'. To me that says, " while it would be GREAT to have a man around financially, it's not a necessity and I can take care of myself if I had to." In a way I do believe men and women need each other in a way, the reasons behind that need is perverted in a sense (whole 'nother blog)

One day I do believe I'll make a great wife and mother. I have the capability to make someone happy as I type, but I don't wanna. I don't NEED a man to complete me, just to complement me. The unintentional scowl you may see as being a bitter bitch is more than likely due to me thinking about something...We happily single woman are not bitter, angry, lesbians, nor lonely...we just smartened the hell up.

And that, is my Declaration of Self Sufficiency...

"Just Say No......."

Is what you were told as a child if someone asked you to do drugs. It was constantly beat into your head that drugs are bad. Death was the only end result. What you didn't learn until you were much older that all drugs, while habit forming, are not bad. But on the other hand, too much of a good thing is indeed bad for you.....

Kanye West asked, " What's your addiction? Is it money, is it girls, is it weed? I've been afflicted, not one, not two, but all three." I've prided myself on not having an addictive personality. Other than food, nothing else has brought me such pleasure (but we gotta eat to live, right?) I never understood how someone could let something cloud their judgment and take over.

I think I have found my addiction and the withdrawal is a mofo.

I first felt this high a few weeks ago. I expected it to be good, but what I got was mind blowing and soul stirring. The first time I divulged in my new found narcotic, I went somewhere so high and so far that Yahweh had to tell me "AYE BITCH...YOU TRIPPIN". The first time I felt the rush... that euphoria course through my body, I knew that this was something that I NEEDED. This exceeded all expectations. I remained on this trip for 2 days and I still feel the after effects to this day. I went on more than just a physical ride. I was mentally intoxicated the entire duration of my high, which was intensified 100x over when I was able to share what I felt with another. Whoever said drugs were bad, lied...or they were holding all the good shit for themselves.

But what are you to do when it isn't easily accessible? When you have to go through hell and high water to have another taste of sin? How do you deal with a craving so deep, so intense it HURTS? I've had my ups and down with my issue....BUT FUCK....how do I shake this shit?!

But what if I don't wanna say no?

Cuttin mah toofes

First time using blogger...the awkwardness is over with! Now I can post butt naked with the lights on!

LOL but this will be the new home of my random thoughts, ramblings, opinions, rants or whatever. I think a lot of random shit and sometimes it may not even make sense. But that's the beauty of having your own blog...it doesn't have to make sense to the rest of you meeps! But I'll probably blog a little later on...

smewchez (smooches..say it phonetically)